Most of the time it is great when families visit our clients. As live-in carers we all know how lonely our clients can get when visits are few and far between. But why, oh why, when they do happen, does it feel as if a tornado has swept through the house!
Most family visits are thankfully quite short because of school and work commitments, and fortunately most visits are over in one day.
However, while visits may be relatively short, they are often chaotic, leaving a trail of confusion and upheaval behind them.
Why does it seem that when the family arrives, they assume that you, who have been there taking care of mom every day for ages, cannot do the job as well as they can?
While you may have expressed concerns about your client’s mobility, now that family has arrived, they seem determined to show you that there is nothing wrong with her mobility.
It is not unusual to have family take mom out for lunch and together grapple, lift, and heave mom up those stairs, into the car and out to a restaurant while you look on in horror, knowing that you would never in a million years handle any frail person that way.
Think it doesn’t happen? It happens all the time. What with being pushed and shoved, often carried, assisted to walk rather than use a wheelchair, eat and drink more than normal, be kept awake to appreciate the family visit and hauled back home in the same manner, it is little wonder that your client is totally exhausted at the end of a visit.
One of the reasons behind this exuberance is a simple word called denial. No one likes to think that mom is going downhill. No family member truly wants to face the fact that mom is frailer than a few months ago and that very soon she may not be around any longer.
One way to keep ourselves in denial of a situation is to pretend that all is normal and continue with life as we have always done. It is for this reason that families often are simply not prepared to make allowances for what is happening to their loved one.
To accept that things are changing means that there is another course of action to be taken. Decisions need to be made and discussions held between family members.
Maybe it is time to talk about extra help with moving mom, or more involvement in her finances.
Perhaps something needs to be done about the car in the garage which she will never drive again. Maybe, arrangements need to be made for a care home and ultimately the end of life.
By making mom appear as normal as possible removes the odious task of making those decisions right now. They can be put off for a little while longer.
Think about all the family members and choose one who you feel the most comfortable talking to. Take them into your confidence and explain that things do change and this needs to be addressed in a gentle way.
Visits need to be calm. Family can still enjoy a meal with mom, but perhaps it is kinder to eat in the house where she is more comfortable and calmer.
Perhaps it is better to leave the moving and handling to the carer who will ask for help if needed. This way, if mom gets tired and needs a nap, she can have it in comfort in her own home.
While it is truly understandable that families dread the worst and seek to deny it is ever going to happen, you should be able to talk to one member to explain that the tornado effect after a visit is not in your client’s best interest.
Once family have become used to the idea that the visit does not have to be chaotic to make mom happy, they may be more inclined to simply spend time with mom rather than drag her out and about to fulfil their ideas of a good visit.
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