There are going to be many things that annoy or confuse you as you work as a live-in carer. Sometimes you can change them, and other times you simply must leave things alone, even though you may not like them.

One thing that you may find happening is that your client does not get many visitors, either from friends or family.

It seems that when a person has Dementia and starts to have difficulty holding an ongoing conversation, people become embarrassed to spend time with them. Phone calls become less frequent and people visit less.

Very sadly, you will come across clients where the family almost never show up. They may call every so often, just before bed, so they don’t need to talk for too long.

The reasons can vary from families who genuinely live too far away to travel often, to many other reasons which may or may not be valid.

What can you do about this?

The truth of the matter is that there is very little you can do to change this. It is up to the family to decide when they want to visit their loved one, and very little will change if you mention it to them. What it will do is to make them feel more embarrassed than normal and even guilty at staying away.

You could, at the start of your placement, send an email offering to keep them up to date with a weekly message, just to let them know all is well. This will at least let them know that you want to keep them in the picture.

What about friends?

Often, with Dementia clients you will notice that friends seem to fade away. Again, this is because they are embarrassed at the lack of conversation on the part of your client.

You may be able to talk to neighbours who used to visit and persuade them that visits do not need to be lengthy. Keeping them short is better as your client will tire out less. A short pop in from a friend to drop off some magazines or have a cup of coffee will cheer your client up no end.

Visits do not need to happen every day either, once or twice a week for ten minutes is enough to let your client know that they are still thought about.

If your client used to take an active part in the local church, you may want to contact the pastor and request short visits from parishioners. Don’t be afraid to state your opinion to the pastor that a visit will be good for your client. Ministers generally still visit their congregation or have another dedicated deacon who does this. Just because your client cannot hold a lengthy conversation, does not mean they will not enjoy company.

To sum up

It is very unfortunately true that ‘out of sight is out of mind’ and people who get older are often forgotten because other people have their own lives to lead.

When you mention to friends that a visit may be welcome, you should be tactful and understand their reasons for not coming, then move on. If you continue to ask them, they will feel they should come because they feel guilty – not a good reason.

If the family have chosen to visit infrequently, you may want to let this be the case. It is after all, their decision and not yours.

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