It’s a wonderful idea to be able to reside in your own home for as long as you like, and possibly even pass away there. 

In truth, many older people want exactly this scenario, and while it does happen in many instances, there are times when family and our clients are at polar opposites about it.

What may start off as a tactful suggestion about moving to a residential care home can very quickly escalate to a tense and unpleasant conversation every time the phone rings.

Why do they disagree?

Often, the reason for this is due to finances. Live-in care does not come cheap, but then again, neither does a residential care home. Family may see the money which should pay for mom’s care slipping away rapidly once monthly bills are added.

While most families are not primarily concerned with ‘waiting for their inheritance’ there may be a veiled hint that they would at least like a little of what the house/apartment is worth. 

Whether we as carers agree with this viewpoint or not is irrelevant. It is not our mom or our inheritance, and hence we possibly do not have a say, other than to advise on the pros and cons of living at home and moving to a care home. 

Should we take sides?

In an ideal world, we would not need to take sides, everything would be amicably sorted out and all parties would be happy.

Seeing this from your client’s side (assuming that they still have reasonable mental capacity) you may find that they are reluctant to, firstly, leave the family home, and secondly, are reluctant to take orders from children.

Many older adults have simply put their foot down and flatly refused to move out of their home, no matter how much the family have insisted. Changing this decision can involve heaps of tack, diplomacy and understanding.

So, to get back to the question of whether we should take sides, we should consider the situation from both sides. If your client, for example never sees any other person than you, they will become very dependent on you, almost to the point that they become hermits, not doing anything without you with them.

Bearing in mind that the reason to keep a person in their own home for as long as possible is that they maintain their independence, never seeing another person is not achieving this.

Moving into a residential care home where there are other people to meet, activities which they can do, and company whenever they want it, may be a good idea.

On the other hand, if your client enjoys friends visiting and reciprocating these outings then maybe they would be better off staying where they are, close to friends.

If you have weighed up the situation and agree that a residential care home would be the best solution (even though this may mean finding another placement yourself) you may tactfully start to talk about the benefits of moving.

Be prepared to come up against opposition, and make sure that you in no way appear to be biased against your client. Always be prepared to take the neutral ground and tell them that naturally, the choice is theirs, not yours.

Final thoughts

This is one of the hardest situations for families to make and is often fraught with stalemates, with mom refusing and family insisting. It is very easy for friction to build up and to be carried over into visits.

So, while you may agree with family that a residential care home could be best, you might also want to keep the peace at home with your client. 

You will know soon enough what the plan is. Sometimes it is best to take a neutral stance and just enjoy being with your client while you can.  

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