Every so often you will find yourself with a client who is deteriorating, sometimes right before your eyes. Unfortunately, it may only be you that sees this downhill trend as family are often in denial about the end-of-life stages of their loved one.

Sometimes one member of the family will be understanding about what is happening to their loved one, while another may have entirely the opposite viewpoint. This can bring about arguments within the family and is not a place where any live-in carer will feel comfortable.

There are reasons why people may choose to not accept the way your client is changing, namely:

• Not wanting to become involved
• Worry about the consequences of facing the truth

How do you convince them that things are changing and not for the better?

Think about the family members and select one who you can talk to. It may be better to pick only one rather than broach several family members as you will most definitely find yourself outnumbered. Remember that blood is thicker than water and they will join forces in refuting any claims you make.

Educate

Talk to your chosen family member in private. If possible, get away from the house, and perhaps go out for coffee. At least be somewhere where you can calmly put your side across to them. Be calm and make sure that you have done your homework beforehand.

Be prepared to back up any ‘feelings’ you may have about their loved one with facts about the condition or statements from the District Nurse or doctor.

Empathize

Understand that if you were told your loved one was deteriorating you would not be happy, and maybe disinclined to listen. Understand that this may be very painful for them and be gentle when you put your opinion across. There is no need to insist on your point once you have made it as most people will go away and think about what you have said, even if they do not agree with you right away.

Offer support

Offer to update them more frequently than you may already do. They may appreciate a more personal phone call from you or even an additional email instead of once a week. Try to become more involved in passing information along rather than family arriving for a visit and not knowing what to expect. 

Final thought

Once you have put your concern to the family member let them go away and process it all. Remember that you have just given them a very bitter pill to swallow and acceptance that their loved one is going downhill may take time. Most importantly, be kind and gentle and treat them as you would want to be treated yourself in the same situation.

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