Having a manipulative client is not something that we want, but unfortunately, it happens quite often. It is a critical area which some live-in carers may find hard to address. But address it we should, because if it is left unresolved, it can and probably will become a serious issue.

It is easy for family to tell us that mom or dad has always ‘been that way', or ‘they’ve always been stubborn’ but there are times when manipulative behaviour is simply not acceptable if we are to stay in a placement.

The reality of this is that unfortunately there are some very manipulative seniors out there. Some of them may well have been like that all their lives, while others might have developed this behaviour in later life.

To make things worse, sometimes the carer is on the receiving end of this behaviour because they are there all the time. Your client may refuse to eat or be resistant to any help you offer. Occasionally the person may be genuinely unaware that they are being manipulative although often it is intentional.

How do you know you are being manipulated?

• The guilt trip
• Your client may infer or outright tell you that you do not do enough for them. They may suggest that you are being selfish when you want to have your break. They seem to want you to feel guilty about not placing them in the center of attention.
   
• Control
• Your client may insist that things are always done exactly as they want, with no regard to how you feel or even whether things are realistic or practical.
   
• Complaints
• A manipulative client will often complain about you. It will seem as if you can never do anything right, everything you do or ever have done has been wrong.
   
• Easily upset
• Sometimes getting upset at things is a way to manipulate you into doing things their way. You find yourself going to great lengths to please them and make sure everything is perfect. 

Looking at the cause

There is a difference between a person who has always been manipulative and someone who has become so. Some people are this way because of a specific situation. Let’s look at some reasons why a person becomes this way.

Power and control

Often as we age, we lose control over some areas of our lives, and this may not sit too well with some people. Issues like incontinence decreased mobility and inability to drive may all be factors.

Health issues

Serious health issues mean that eventually someone else will be in control of their life and this may be an unacceptable thought for some people. Manipulating others into their ways may make them feel like they are still in control of their lives.

How do we handle manipulation?

Involve them in decision making

One way to handle this issue is to give your client a larger sense of power in their own life. Involve them a little more in any decision process. 

This does not need to be an important decision, but they just need to feel that they still have a say in how things run. Rather than telling your client that it is time to shower in the morning, you may ask whether they prefer a bath or a shower and leave the time up to them.

Aim for less control

As a live-in carer, it is very likely that you will slowly take over parts of your client’s life, even with the best intentions of not doing so. It is sometimes easier to pick up and put clothing away after your client than to wait until they do it – or not. 

If your client is capable, step back so that they can be more active in where to hang up shirts or pack shoes away.

Set your own boundaries

This means that you need to work out what you will and will not tolerate, and the way you will respond to specific situations that arise.

An example here is when you go shopping and are asked to pay the bill so that your client does not have to do it ‘quite then.’ They may say that your expenses will be paid along with your wages. If this is not acceptable to you, then you should refuse.

Setting your own boundaries has no set rules but what is important is that you consider what your client genuinely needs, and what they simply want, namely, to control and manipulate you – and your money!

And finally – take care of yourself

While care and compassion are important for us to have, they are also easy to overlook, and many carers feel guilty if they take time for themselves. A manipulative client will play on this and make sure you feel guilty about taking your (must needed) break rather than be available all the time for them. They may even go so far as to suggest that you are selfish for not being with them all the time.

There is a time to take a step back, inform your agency and /or family that you are being manipulated and do not appreciate it. In fact, excessive control from either side is a form of abuse and you should not let it go unaddressed. It will not improve, but only worsen unless something changes.

A manipulative client can lead to you being in a toxic situation and you will soon burn out and even become ill yourself so you should address this as soon as you can.

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