It’s a great thought that we arrive at a new placement, and all goes well. In an ideal world, you’d take care of a delightful client, maybe go out for a morning coffee, spend time chatting, ask a friend around for tea, and generally have pleasant days.
In reality, things may not always work out that well. One thing that, as a live-in carer, you may find happening is a certain amount of discrimination when other people arrive.
‘Other people’ can mean family, friends, district nurses, hairdressers, or even the supermarket delivery man! In fact, never forget the adage of ‘two is company and three is a crowd’ because sometimes this becomes a very real situation.
Suddenly, your friendly client changes and seems determined to put you down in front of anyone who arrives. They will turn nasty, rude, mocking, critical, and any other combination of unpleasantness may come into play.
Depending on your client, this can be embarrassing to say the least. It can also be humiliating and somewhat degrading. What makes it even worse is that literally as soon as the visitor has left your client may revert to their pleasant selves again.
What on earth just happened?
There is one train of thought here which says that when you and your client are alone, they are happy for you to take over the reigns and appear to be in charge.
It is certainly pleasant to have another person pick up the slack, so to speak. Things like cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping etc. are often easier left to the carer, and while most carers look on these things as part and parcel, they may not always sit too comfortably with a client.
The reason for unpleasant outbursts when other people appear may be nothing more than your client wanting to reinforce that they are still in charge and in control, even though you may be there doing things.
If we remember that for many years our client has been in charge of their own lives, and everything that this covered, running the house, bringing up family, organizing literally everything that needed to be done, then it becomes easier to see that handing over the reigns may not be what they are happy doing.
When it does happen, it is decidedly unpleasant for the carer, who is made to feel like an imposter and not wanted. You may even be relegated to your room until the visitors have left.
How can we deal with this?
You will very soon find out if this is how your client acts when you have company because it will happen all the time and as soon as someone else appears. You will be left in no doubt as to what will happen when the doorbell rings and a visitor arrives.
Rather than wait for events to turn nasty, you may want to think about preempting them. You know you will be ridiculed and belittled, you know you will feel degraded and humiliated, so once you have brought the visitor to your client, you may want to simply exit the scenario.
A short word on how nice it is for them to receive a visitor, followed by a comment that you will be in your room until needed, and a quick turn to walk out of the room will not leave much time for any nastiness to start.
Once you have set the ground rule for this, it will be easier to do the next time. In fact, subsequent carers may thank you for setting the precedent for them. No one enjoys being humiliated and abused – and yes, this is a form of carer abuse.
Final thoughts
If you make a move to leave the room as soon as a visitor arrives, you will remove the opportunity for your client to start putting you down.
Should your client mention it afterwards you are well within your rights to explain that you do not appreciate being treated that way and will leave the room every single time it happens.
Your client may never really ‘get the picture’ about this, and they may always do it when someone else appears, but by leaving the room you will certainly be removing any opportunity for abuse, and you will be less upset in yourself.
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