Let’s face it, as live-in carers there are many times when we need to vent about events in the day, the frustrations and often abuse that is doled out towards carers.
Sometimes we may be lucky and have someone to confide in and get support from, but often this does not happen. Our own family may be concerned with their daily routines and client’s family are not truly interested in our issues with their loved one or the carer.
This may only leave your agency as a place to get those feelings off your chest. Now, many agencies have dedicated support teams who will listen and let you vent those feelings (because even carers need a hug every so often) but often even agencies may be stressed with finding new recruits and keeping the ones they have happy.
Occasionally, and I am sure that this has been heard by most live-in carers at one time or another, you may be told to ‘not take things personally.’
The reason for this phrase to be so insulting is because it, even with the best intentions, places the receiver in the position of being patronised and insulted. The speaker, whoever it is, appears to be in a superior position, handing out judgement to someone they consider less able than them.
Now whether this is an accurate description of how it all comes across or not, it remains that this is possibly one of the worst phrases to say to a live-in carer.
Try telling this to the carer who has her hair pulled every time she attempts to put on socks and shoes for a client, or the carer who gets kicked, spat at, has food thrown at them and is generally on the receiving end of all sorts of nastiness by a client.
Understandably, a client may have cognitive issues and be unaware of their actions, but to be in this position, ask for a listening ear and be told to ‘not take this personally’ is one of the worst things to hear.
It must rate almost as bad a phrase as telling a person who suffers from depression to ‘get over yourself.’ Not a smart thing to say at all.
Little wonder then that this is one of the most despised and ridiculed phrases for carers to be told. Also, it is very surprising that agencies do not realise that this has the opposite effect on a person.
If we take a step back and think about what exactly is being said, we can see that there is something to be taken away from this, however small it may seem.
If, and only if, we can distance ourselves from a client who is unpleasant/nasty/insulting/abusive or any combination then we do in fact stand a chance of taking something positive from this phrase.
This is, in truth, easier said than done, as every live-in carer will agree. Easy to say that we should not let things affect us, but not so easy when one is on the receiving end of abuse in any form from a client. It is only slightly more tolerable if we realise that the client has cognitive issues and does not know what they are doing.
Unfortunately, not all our clients suffer from cognitive issues, and some know very well what they are doing. They are often well aware that in their position they have many ways to stay in control, abuse being one of them.
Easy to say that we should not take things personally, when in fact they are extremely personal.
We may be able to do this by being aware and expecting to hear it. If we are expecting to be told to not take things personally then it may take the sting out of the tail, so to speak.
If we know what is going to be said before we ask for help, advice, or just a listening ear, then we may also be able to distance ourselves from the remark which will surely come.
Perhaps if we can see that there may be good advice in this saying, namely that all things bad are not directed at only you but also at every other carer who arrives at your placement, then maybe it will not seem so insulting and patronising.
If you are asking your support team for advice, then this is highly likely one of the phrases you will hear. It is what they have been trained to tell you, that’s their job. How they impart it is often questionable, but you can expect to be told it on many occasions.
How we handle it depends on us. It is easy to let this phrase get under our skin and annoy us, convincing us that the agency does not have our best interests at heart. However, it may be easier to accept that it is a phrase they are trained to say and simply ignore it, get on with our job and do the best we can in any circumstances.
And more importantly, at the end of every day, when that client is safely tucked up in bed and we can put our feet up, we should give ourselves a huge pat on the back for doing a job which is not only fraught with difficulties but is also extremely stressful.
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