You may well think that when a loved one passes away it is only the family that grieve. Not true. Carers can also experience profound feelings of loss when clients die.

For live-in carers, the death of a client means the end of a relationship that they have developed over a period, sometimes even many months.

It takes time to carers and clients to build up trust in each other and to build a worthy relationship with each other. Little wonder then, that the carer also feels deeply affected by the death of a client.

While most live-in carers agree that death is always a possibility with any client they take care of, it is essential that we understand not only how to support the family but also to take care of ourselves.

Take time to grieve yourself

While you may find yourself in the role of supporting grieving family members, you also need to take care of yourself.

Acknowledge the relationship that you had with your client and accept that you will feel the loss deeply, even though you are not immediate family.

Don’t expect to be able to cope calmly at all times, because you may suddenly find yourself upset and feeling inadequate.

Give yourself the time to grieve for your client. If you have become very fond of each other, you will need this time to yourself.

Understand others who are grieving

The key in this situation is to stay present. Don’t try to fix others, you simply cannot make things better for them as they need to do this for themselves.

Realise that tempers may be short and there may be tension in the air. It is not your job to play the go-between in the family. Rather, offer concrete assistance instead of open-ended statements.

Allowing the family to be themselves with you may also give you the chance to be yourself with them. Let them know how much their loved on meant to you. Allow them to talk to you.

Make a safe space

Whether this is at the table in the kitchen or in another room in the house, have a place somewhere that you can retreat to if things become to much for you. Having a park nearby will allow you to slip away for a short break if things get rough.

It is important that even though things may be hectic at this time, you still manage some time to yourself. Withdraw yourself to a place you can switch off for a while, it does not matter where it is, so long as you can escape for a bit.

Final thoughts

Losses through death take time to get over, particularly when you have become fond of your client. It is important to remember that you also need time to grieve, and to find time to do that.

It takes time to process the loss and you may even find after several months you feel emotional when you remember your client – this is perfectly normal.

People deal with loss in different ways. You will find the way that suits you the best.  Grief is real and is a way to help you get over a loss.

Over time the pain of a loss will ease, and you will be able to cherish many precious memories.

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